Sixth Key: the Angel

Minsan di ko maiwasang isipan ka
Lalo na sa t’wing nag iisa
Ano na kaya balita sayo
Naiisip mo rin kaya ako

I, on numerous occasion, have tried, very hard, to stop myself from sending him a private message.  I saw his pictures then.  He changed a lot, maybe looked better than he was years ago.  I guess, I'm still a sucker for doing this kind of things.  Reminiscing and stuff.  

I met him during my senior years, he was a freshman.  He looked up to me like he would an older brother.  He was an only child so he was very close with his cousins, and since his cousin was enrolled in a private school, he too was transferred there.  

He was annoying, I mean, he was too sweet and caring for his own good.  I'm saying that because maybe he was young and I was judging him like I was some kind of mature jerk, I was so naive back then and  he would often make gestures that would make others think that he was really my younger brother.  Calling me kuya and all.

He likes watching anime and other shows befitting his age.  And his talents in drawing were promising, and I would constantly encourage him to continue.  And I would love how he would show me his works.  

Sometimes, I would show animosity towards him, and looking back, I still wondered if I should have just let those animosity continue.  

I started to grow feelings for him.  

Feeling of wanting.  Of waiting every weekend for him to show up and hang out.  Though I was having difficulty because he had the habit of not greeting people at the house.  And of course, there was this suspicion that he was gay.  I assured the people at the house that he was not.  And well, they would also tell me that every time he visits the house, I forget to do the chores, which was a little true.  I'd rather spend time with him watching anime, or just talking about it, games and stuff alike.  He would even ask me to let him help me with the chores, which I find absurd.  No guest should ever do your chores for you. :)

Then, I think, time came when I really trusted him with a secret.  I guess you would call this a secret when nobody else knows.

I told him that whatever happens, if ever we are in the situation where we could no longer be friends and become enemies, he would never use this as a weapon against me.  He was having this expression from smiling-turned-serious-face.

I told him that I think, I was bi/gay.  Though I really am interested in girls, I also find this curiosity for guys.

And surprise.  He wasn't surprised.  He was really serious and then told me, what's wrong with that.  

I was shaking a bit, telling him that people, especially my friends and classmates would judge me.  And my guy friends would make fun of me because of being like this.  Not being able to be straight and all.  And I think I was a disappointment as a son to my parents and to him as an older brother.

He was understanding, smiled a little and assured me that it was going to be ok.  That my secret was safe with him no matter what.  And that, especially, we we're still friends.  I was happy.  He was the very first person to accept me for who I am.  Although I have no plans of going out of the closet, I was happy that he was able to understand my preference. 

And then, there was this one time.  One time in my life that I still look back to.  I think, I was wrong to go overboard, but right now, my pride tells me that there's no use being sorry with the deeds done in the past. This time, something happened between us.  First it was just exchange of whispers and groping to the parts that we should not have gone to in the first place, the hands, nipples, lips and the hardness between our legs.  I think that 1.  being brothers/bestfriends should have stopped us from doing something like this and 2.  I was older so I should have been more responsible.

And my father almost caught us.  Or I think, he did, he just didn't confront me regarding that incident.  But after this, my father showed a bit of hostility towards him.

He was my first kiss.  My first sloppy, needy, then slow, then romantic, then loving first kiss.  It was the sweetest kiss I ever had in my life.  And what drove me crazy was his scent.  It was one of a kind.  Sweet and delicious smelling and sadly, unforgettable. :(

A lot happened till then.

He was watching me bathing in the rain while I was happily smiling at him.  

I smelled and tasted his skin all over...

I moved my fingertips through his hair while he slept and I watched over him till morning.

I held his hand whenever I had the chance.

I held his delicate body in my arms and I was so happy I could have died everytime my heart beat.

Simula nang ikaw ay mawala

Wala nang dahilan para lumuha

Damdamin pilit ko nang tinatago

Hinahanap ka parin ng aking puso

Parang kulang nga kapag ika’y wala

I sent him a love letter.

Stupid me.

And that did not stop me from talking and telling him and singing him in a broken voice that I loved him.  That i was gonna wait for forever until he will have the time to love me.

But he was in love with another.

But I still loved him.

I was obsessed.  Sadly obsessed with my bestfriend.

But he was in loved with someone.

And it killed me every night thinking that he was happy with someone.  That it killed me everytime he tells me about how in love he was and that an idiot like me kept on smiling and teasing him how he looked funny when he was in love.

I was a pathetic dog for barking at the wrong tree.

Barking at the wrong tree were also the words he gave me when I told him that I loved him for another time.

And I cried.  I cried because he told me those words.  That he was honest with me and that it hurt and I was always incoherent and illogical whenever it was him that I thought of.  Until now.  

And it scares me that until now, these memories of him still makes me cry.  I loved him that time and it scares me what will happen if I see him again.

At ihiling sa mga bituin

Na minsan pa sana ako’y iyong mahalin

Ihiling kahit dumilim

Ang aking daan na tatahakin

Patungo…

And I know that I am stupid for still longing to see him and having the slightest hope of this chance of having the slightest sliver of hope to see and be loved by him.

Stupid for wishing that there would be a chance knowing that this wish will never be granted.

Ala ala mong tinangay na ng hangin

Sa langit ko na lamang ba yayakapin

Nasan kana kaya, aasa ba sa wala

Ipipikit ko ang aking mata dahil

Nais ka lamang mahagkan

Nais ko lamang masilalayan

Kahit alam kong tapos na

Kahit alam kong wala ka na

There's no chance, I tell myself.

Because he is in love with someone.

Because I am with someone who loves me.

Because he will never talk to me.

No matter what I do, there will be no chance.  

Because I dreamt of him.

This is what I kept on telling myself.

Because I hugged him for the last time and he can't remember.  But I can.  I can still damn remember.

At Hihiling sa mga bituin

Na minsan pa sana ako’y iyong mahalin

Hihiling kahit dumilim

Ang aking daan na tatahakin

Patungo sa iyo, patungo sa iyo

And the one collar that kept me sane, I guess, through all of this is that...

I kept on making myself believe, wrong maybe, but I guess, ...

Is making myself believe that my bestfriend has died a long time ago...and it was my fault because it happened.

Because it happened to me.

He died and I could no longer bring back the past.

Because it isn't right.

Because there is no need for closure for people like me.  

Because there's nothing I could do.

Because there was never an us.

Because he's gone.  And my tears won't stop if he's still alive.

Because my heart still remembers.

Battle Field: godslayer and gods

I did not want this to drag on.

I was looking at them before, and I haven't got the slightest care as to what I should be feeling.  But what I was thinking...

I thought it was all a waste of time getting this close.

It's tiring, bothersome...and I had set my sights to do my duties in this place.  That's it.  I had no desire whatsoever, to do what they wanted to do.  I did not want any of them near me unless it was necessary.

But that was just like me, to forget every lock that I had set up myself, gotten myself close, and now...this...

Maybe I could get away with a whisper of "Fuck this...I really should have known better..." , I did, but I decided otherwise.  I wasn't sure if it was for the fun of it, or was I just trying to pass boredom?  I was not the type to be sorry for what happened that I decided for myself but for the heck of it all...maybe I was just being selfish.

Maybe.

I'm not sure if anyone would agree with my way of thinking.

For one, those lying piece of shits all said to me that there was "No one will be left behind".

But look at the situation that I am in now.  Save for those who died, and who are really, genuinely concerned, the others are all, well,...

And I wondered if what an author said before, maybe that was J.K. Rowling, one of her characters have said that it was better to have died rather than live and betray your friends.

Death.  Betrayal.

Ironically though, these two have a thin thread binding them.

In death, those who remained felt betrayed, for they have been forfeited the chance to live and feel that one person who became important to them.  In betrayal, those who are left behind, feels death.

And that, is what I felt.  Dying everyday I remember.

So, while I slowly stood up, I said to myself that I needed to go on.

Boredom really is better than betrayal.

godslayers and gods

This is a dream, when walking towards that well, made a wish to undo the things that I have done...

He was the reason that I felt the "madness" of being in love.  I thought we were happy.  I thought I was happy.  I even neglected the warnings of my friends.

I dropped a sphere of will, looking back at those things that happened...

And then after I experienced a lot of horrible things, even thought of ending my life...I realized...

...if not for that warning...

that I was being stupid.  Being played at.

I finally realized there was no need to keep on fooling myself.  I needed to move forward.

...visions...noise...

A lot happened until then.  And I guess, I'm a lot stronger now.  He still tried to contact me.  But I paid no heed to what he wanted.

my wish was not granted...but instead...

I still remember that person.  No more ache.  I still abhor the idea that some people have regarding forgiveness tho.

"Forgive those who may have hurt you and thank them for making you a better person."

I said, no thanks.  That is a fool's idea of pretending, being able to prove others that by thanking those who may have hurt them will make them move on, forget even.  I say, I won't thank that person who hurt me.  Because I had done enough foolishness for him.  I can forgive.  But no way that I would thank him.

Somehow, forgiveness is enough for me.  I have moved on.  That is enough.

My world changed back to the way it was.  Rainy...Cold...Fiery...Warm...
...it felt home...and I was thinking...it's good being able to wake up...

A Collar for a godslayer

There are instances that I would stop, and think as to why I was spending time with people whom I know would later on, do something not good to me.

I may have said something, or do something that might lead to how they react towards me, but when that instance come, I realized that I should not have been here with them. I should have been at home, or gone away somewhere to enjoy good food or drink.

I have made it a point to constantly imagine myself wearing a collar. A reminder that I may have to control everything that I do or say, regardless the nature of the individual near me. I also think, that it may be wise to limit being close to others as I have little to no control over expressing my emotions.

That being said, I was able to recall those uncontrollable moments of my life. It was with someone I held dear.

This person, together with discovering feelings from the lightest touches to the most passionate kiss, was then that I learned what it was to throw away reality and the world, in exchange for a few minutes. Before, I kept on telling myself that it was wonderful, that it was love, and everything was sweet and intoxicating. So much that I forgot to move on.

And that person did.

And I was left behind.

Today, I'm thinking whether what I feel now are just echoes of my former self. Someone who loves the idea of loving someone forever, not thinking of the consequences especially when it involves self-destruction.

And I was. I did.

So many things kept on coming back, the loneliness that came with those memories were heavy. And I decided to let go.

But just because I learned to let go, this, I wonder.

Why is it...that...that person kept on coming back to my dreams ever after years of absence?

I just forced myself to ignore the thoughts, because I know that I would never like the answers.

I tell myself that, those feelings, whether they were true or not, didn't matter. What really happened, was an experience that made me stronger. And that the collar, no matter how it brings discomfort, was something I still would wear, because I think, the next time I lose control, I may have to result to hurting others more than the ways I used to hurt myself.

A godslayer Among gods...

"Truths of facing and living within reality"

When I was young, I have vague ideas with regards to the idea of FRIENDSHIP, BOND, and LOVE.

Those were the things that I usually dream of having, especially that being the second child of two, and the youngest, I was usually left alone. My sister was in college and both my parents are at work. I am left with pet chickens and cats and dogs and mice.

Friends and enemies have a distinction back then. Friends were those who play with you and hang out with you the most. And those who do not, are considered your enemies.

In high school and college, I was overwhelmed by the events as to which these ideas were tested. I saw how those dear to me, changed, or more likely, everyone, including me.

That change was confusing. As I experienced being betrayed, by those close to me. And that betrayal would repeat over and over again. It came to a point that no matter how many times I was betrayed, I would forgive. Clinging to a notion that there's a reason why people became that, or why i chose to become this.

Now, I see that those ideas has little effect to me. I now consider those things to be normal, for people who betray, love, care for, and betray again. The only thing that remained constant to me is how people crave for love, attention, companionship. And sometimes, just sometimes, there are moments when we get a little too close, and in the end, we tend to let go of the idea, for the sake of moving on, or what might others say, "facing reality."

For me, I see it as professionalism and/or maturity.

When I am at work, those I think that share a bond to me. are not necessarily my friends. We are merely acquaintances, co-workers that as of the present, get to the same "path" together.

It's not so bad, even though at times, there's a small pinch in the heart whenever I hear, "We're not friends", even if the statement was not directed at me, I know, and I expect, that in one way or the other, I will be disappointed by those words.

Somehow...