Sixth Key: the Angel

Minsan di ko maiwasang isipan ka
Lalo na sa t’wing nag iisa
Ano na kaya balita sayo
Naiisip mo rin kaya ako

I, on numerous occasion, have tried, very hard, to stop myself from sending him a private message.  I saw his pictures then.  He changed a lot, maybe looked better than he was years ago.  I guess, I'm still a sucker for doing this kind of things.  Reminiscing and stuff.  

I met him during my senior years, he was a freshman.  He looked up to me like he would an older brother.  He was an only child so he was very close with his cousins, and since his cousin was enrolled in a private school, he too was transferred there.  

He was annoying, I mean, he was too sweet and caring for his own good.  I'm saying that because maybe he was young and I was judging him like I was some kind of mature jerk, I was so naive back then and  he would often make gestures that would make others think that he was really my younger brother.  Calling me kuya and all.

He likes watching anime and other shows befitting his age.  And his talents in drawing were promising, and I would constantly encourage him to continue.  And I would love how he would show me his works.  

Sometimes, I would show animosity towards him, and looking back, I still wondered if I should have just let those animosity continue.  

I started to grow feelings for him.  

Feeling of wanting.  Of waiting every weekend for him to show up and hang out.  Though I was having difficulty because he had the habit of not greeting people at the house.  And of course, there was this suspicion that he was gay.  I assured the people at the house that he was not.  And well, they would also tell me that every time he visits the house, I forget to do the chores, which was a little true.  I'd rather spend time with him watching anime, or just talking about it, games and stuff alike.  He would even ask me to let him help me with the chores, which I find absurd.  No guest should ever do your chores for you. :)

Then, I think, time came when I really trusted him with a secret.  I guess you would call this a secret when nobody else knows.

I told him that whatever happens, if ever we are in the situation where we could no longer be friends and become enemies, he would never use this as a weapon against me.  He was having this expression from smiling-turned-serious-face.

I told him that I think, I was bi/gay.  Though I really am interested in girls, I also find this curiosity for guys.

And surprise.  He wasn't surprised.  He was really serious and then told me, what's wrong with that.  

I was shaking a bit, telling him that people, especially my friends and classmates would judge me.  And my guy friends would make fun of me because of being like this.  Not being able to be straight and all.  And I think I was a disappointment as a son to my parents and to him as an older brother.

He was understanding, smiled a little and assured me that it was going to be ok.  That my secret was safe with him no matter what.  And that, especially, we we're still friends.  I was happy.  He was the very first person to accept me for who I am.  Although I have no plans of going out of the closet, I was happy that he was able to understand my preference. 

And then, there was this one time.  One time in my life that I still look back to.  I think, I was wrong to go overboard, but right now, my pride tells me that there's no use being sorry with the deeds done in the past. This time, something happened between us.  First it was just exchange of whispers and groping to the parts that we should not have gone to in the first place, the hands, nipples, lips and the hardness between our legs.  I think that 1.  being brothers/bestfriends should have stopped us from doing something like this and 2.  I was older so I should have been more responsible.

And my father almost caught us.  Or I think, he did, he just didn't confront me regarding that incident.  But after this, my father showed a bit of hostility towards him.

He was my first kiss.  My first sloppy, needy, then slow, then romantic, then loving first kiss.  It was the sweetest kiss I ever had in my life.  And what drove me crazy was his scent.  It was one of a kind.  Sweet and delicious smelling and sadly, unforgettable. :(

A lot happened till then.

He was watching me bathing in the rain while I was happily smiling at him.  

I smelled and tasted his skin all over...

I moved my fingertips through his hair while he slept and I watched over him till morning.

I held his hand whenever I had the chance.

I held his delicate body in my arms and I was so happy I could have died everytime my heart beat.

Simula nang ikaw ay mawala

Wala nang dahilan para lumuha

Damdamin pilit ko nang tinatago

Hinahanap ka parin ng aking puso

Parang kulang nga kapag ika’y wala

I sent him a love letter.

Stupid me.

And that did not stop me from talking and telling him and singing him in a broken voice that I loved him.  That i was gonna wait for forever until he will have the time to love me.

But he was in love with another.

But I still loved him.

I was obsessed.  Sadly obsessed with my bestfriend.

But he was in loved with someone.

And it killed me every night thinking that he was happy with someone.  That it killed me everytime he tells me about how in love he was and that an idiot like me kept on smiling and teasing him how he looked funny when he was in love.

I was a pathetic dog for barking at the wrong tree.

Barking at the wrong tree were also the words he gave me when I told him that I loved him for another time.

And I cried.  I cried because he told me those words.  That he was honest with me and that it hurt and I was always incoherent and illogical whenever it was him that I thought of.  Until now.  

And it scares me that until now, these memories of him still makes me cry.  I loved him that time and it scares me what will happen if I see him again.

At ihiling sa mga bituin

Na minsan pa sana ako’y iyong mahalin

Ihiling kahit dumilim

Ang aking daan na tatahakin

Patungo…

And I know that I am stupid for still longing to see him and having the slightest hope of this chance of having the slightest sliver of hope to see and be loved by him.

Stupid for wishing that there would be a chance knowing that this wish will never be granted.

Ala ala mong tinangay na ng hangin

Sa langit ko na lamang ba yayakapin

Nasan kana kaya, aasa ba sa wala

Ipipikit ko ang aking mata dahil

Nais ka lamang mahagkan

Nais ko lamang masilalayan

Kahit alam kong tapos na

Kahit alam kong wala ka na

There's no chance, I tell myself.

Because he is in love with someone.

Because I am with someone who loves me.

Because he will never talk to me.

No matter what I do, there will be no chance.  

Because I dreamt of him.

This is what I kept on telling myself.

Because I hugged him for the last time and he can't remember.  But I can.  I can still damn remember.

At Hihiling sa mga bituin

Na minsan pa sana ako’y iyong mahalin

Hihiling kahit dumilim

Ang aking daan na tatahakin

Patungo sa iyo, patungo sa iyo

And the one collar that kept me sane, I guess, through all of this is that...

I kept on making myself believe, wrong maybe, but I guess, ...

Is making myself believe that my bestfriend has died a long time ago...and it was my fault because it happened.

Because it happened to me.

He died and I could no longer bring back the past.

Because it isn't right.

Because there is no need for closure for people like me.  

Because there's nothing I could do.

Because there was never an us.

Because he's gone.  And my tears won't stop if he's still alive.

Because my heart still remembers.