A Collar for a godslayer

There are instances that I would stop, and think as to why I was spending time with people whom I know would later on, do something not good to me.

I may have said something, or do something that might lead to how they react towards me, but when that instance come, I realized that I should not have been here with them. I should have been at home, or gone away somewhere to enjoy good food or drink.

I have made it a point to constantly imagine myself wearing a collar. A reminder that I may have to control everything that I do or say, regardless the nature of the individual near me. I also think, that it may be wise to limit being close to others as I have little to no control over expressing my emotions.

That being said, I was able to recall those uncontrollable moments of my life. It was with someone I held dear.

This person, together with discovering feelings from the lightest touches to the most passionate kiss, was then that I learned what it was to throw away reality and the world, in exchange for a few minutes. Before, I kept on telling myself that it was wonderful, that it was love, and everything was sweet and intoxicating. So much that I forgot to move on.

And that person did.

And I was left behind.

Today, I'm thinking whether what I feel now are just echoes of my former self. Someone who loves the idea of loving someone forever, not thinking of the consequences especially when it involves self-destruction.

And I was. I did.

So many things kept on coming back, the loneliness that came with those memories were heavy. And I decided to let go.

But just because I learned to let go, this, I wonder.

Why is it...that...that person kept on coming back to my dreams ever after years of absence?

I just forced myself to ignore the thoughts, because I know that I would never like the answers.

I tell myself that, those feelings, whether they were true or not, didn't matter. What really happened, was an experience that made me stronger. And that the collar, no matter how it brings discomfort, was something I still would wear, because I think, the next time I lose control, I may have to result to hurting others more than the ways I used to hurt myself.