There are instances that I would stop, and think as to why I was spending time with people whom I know would later on, do something not good to me.
I may have said something, or do something that might lead to how they react towards me, but when that instance come, I realized that I should not have been here with them. I should have been at home, or gone away somewhere to enjoy good food or drink.
I have made it a point to constantly imagine myself wearing a collar. A reminder that I may have to control everything that I do or say, regardless the nature of the individual near me. I also think, that it may be wise to limit being close to others as I have little to no control over expressing my emotions.
That being said, I was able to recall those uncontrollable moments of my life. It was with someone I held dear.
This person, together with discovering feelings from the lightest touches to the most passionate kiss, was then that I learned what it was to throw away reality and the world, in exchange for a few minutes. Before, I kept on telling myself that it was wonderful, that it was love, and everything was sweet and intoxicating. So much that I forgot to move on.
And that person did.
And I was left behind.
Today, I'm thinking whether what I feel now are just echoes of my former self. Someone who loves the idea of loving someone forever, not thinking of the consequences especially when it involves self-destruction.
And I was. I did.
So many things kept on coming back, the loneliness that came with those memories were heavy. And I decided to let go.
But just because I learned to let go, this, I wonder.
Why is it...that...that person kept on coming back to my dreams ever after years of absence?
I just forced myself to ignore the thoughts, because I know that I would never like the answers.
I tell myself that, those feelings, whether they were true or not, didn't matter. What really happened, was an experience that made me stronger. And that the collar, no matter how it brings discomfort, was something I still would wear, because I think, the next time I lose control, I may have to result to hurting others more than the ways I used to hurt myself.
A godslayer Among gods...
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"Truths of facing and living within reality"
When I was young, I have vague ideas with regards to the idea of FRIENDSHIP, BOND, and LOVE.
Those were the things that I usually dream of having, especially that being the second child of two, and the youngest, I was usually left alone. My sister was in college and both my parents are at work. I am left with pet chickens and cats and dogs and mice.
Friends and enemies have a distinction back then. Friends were those who play with you and hang out with you the most. And those who do not, are considered your enemies.
In high school and college, I was overwhelmed by the events as to which these ideas were tested. I saw how those dear to me, changed, or more likely, everyone, including me.
That change was confusing. As I experienced being betrayed, by those close to me. And that betrayal would repeat over and over again. It came to a point that no matter how many times I was betrayed, I would forgive. Clinging to a notion that there's a reason why people became that, or why i chose to become this.
Now, I see that those ideas has little effect to me. I now consider those things to be normal, for people who betray, love, care for, and betray again. The only thing that remained constant to me is how people crave for love, attention, companionship. And sometimes, just sometimes, there are moments when we get a little too close, and in the end, we tend to let go of the idea, for the sake of moving on, or what might others say, "facing reality."
For me, I see it as professionalism and/or maturity.
When I am at work, those I think that share a bond to me. are not necessarily my friends. We are merely acquaintances, co-workers that as of the present, get to the same "path" together.
It's not so bad, even though at times, there's a small pinch in the heart whenever I hear, "We're not friends", even if the statement was not directed at me, I know, and I expect, that in one way or the other, I will be disappointed by those words.
Somehow...
When I was young, I have vague ideas with regards to the idea of FRIENDSHIP, BOND, and LOVE.
Those were the things that I usually dream of having, especially that being the second child of two, and the youngest, I was usually left alone. My sister was in college and both my parents are at work. I am left with pet chickens and cats and dogs and mice.
Friends and enemies have a distinction back then. Friends were those who play with you and hang out with you the most. And those who do not, are considered your enemies.
In high school and college, I was overwhelmed by the events as to which these ideas were tested. I saw how those dear to me, changed, or more likely, everyone, including me.
That change was confusing. As I experienced being betrayed, by those close to me. And that betrayal would repeat over and over again. It came to a point that no matter how many times I was betrayed, I would forgive. Clinging to a notion that there's a reason why people became that, or why i chose to become this.
Now, I see that those ideas has little effect to me. I now consider those things to be normal, for people who betray, love, care for, and betray again. The only thing that remained constant to me is how people crave for love, attention, companionship. And sometimes, just sometimes, there are moments when we get a little too close, and in the end, we tend to let go of the idea, for the sake of moving on, or what might others say, "facing reality."
For me, I see it as professionalism and/or maturity.
When I am at work, those I think that share a bond to me. are not necessarily my friends. We are merely acquaintances, co-workers that as of the present, get to the same "path" together.
It's not so bad, even though at times, there's a small pinch in the heart whenever I hear, "We're not friends", even if the statement was not directed at me, I know, and I expect, that in one way or the other, I will be disappointed by those words.
Somehow...
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