Cry

Sometimes, at times like this...I just feel so weak...and damn stupid.  Whenever you say "La gd"...

I remember how those words hurt so well...and how it just make me miserable...and make me cry at most.  But I can't tell you this.

I'm not perfect you know.  I ain't that smart.  But I sure wish, you could be a bit tender towards me.  I love you, you know that.

That love can't help ease the feeling that you gave me today though.  It hurts so much.  If ever you'd see me in this state.  Maybe, you'd say I'm jut being silly.

You just said something that made me feel so damn stupid.  You just made me cry.  

But I can't tell you that.

Even if someone tries to hurt you with heartless words...

This was the last straw.  I didn't expect my parent to be that hostile towards the guy I love. 

Everything was just a speculation.  I guess, they noticed how I was lovingly staring at him when we're together, how I always stay up late just to be with him (we're just talking by the way), how we joke around punching each other or calling each other names...we we're "something" that was what I thought that they noticed about us. 

It is unsettling when there are drug users, thieves and other low life punks lurking around, and these kind of people went unnoticed by the "normal" and "god fearing" individuals.  And instead, me and my guy were the subject of talks.  I wonder why, they don't see us holding hands, not even a single kiss, then why do they delight in telling these kind of things?

Mom told me this morning that I was really caught in the web of this guy since I disobeyed her three times.

Three times? Oh come on!  I asked for her permission and I still broke them? I remember that last night was the one when she told me to do what I wanted if I don't want to listen to her.  Sarcastic eh?  The second was when I went for a birthday and then she told me things like, thinking of my health and everything...what a lousy liar...the first one was where I remained at home and still she says I disobeyed her. 

How did I ever came up with the idea that she was lying about my health?  Well, if she was thinking about my health, then how come that the person I love, (she doesn't know about this part yet) my friend-best, was the first thing she used to attack me. 

Talk about being unfair.  I gave up a potential job.  I relationship so I could stay with her (a relationship with my last girlfriend).  And now, that I'm finally in love again, she does this...

Wish I could find a better job so I could leave this hell hole.

The man I love, how I wish I could comfort him right now after what he heard about what my parent said.

Angel Falls

I was so happy when we made up.

I got so scared back then.  Guess I was just being silly.

I am so in love with him.

And the kisses were awesome.
:D

Fifth Key: Pain

052812/10:30p.m.

Right now, I am thinking that last night...while I was confiding in him that I was really disappointed how things went in the house where I was living.  And while that was happening, he seemed to befriended over the net another guy.  He added that this guy loves him already. 

I know he loves me, and I really am in love with him.  But when he told me about the other guy, I got really scared. 

Scared that he might leave me someday, I dunno.  Stupid thought. 

I was crying.  Damn I was crying.  I wanted to tell him that even though he told me about that guy, what he did really hurt me.  I was too jealous.  I felt jealous and stupid. 

Self pity? Yeah.  And now disgusted.  Is really normal to feel this?  I don't know what to do...

I wanted to tell him that since we're a couple, he shouldn't entertain other guys.  But if I do that, he might think that I am being too strict on this relationship. 

The next day, after a couple of sms, I thought we were ok.  But right now, every time I look at him, it hurts...damn it hurts...funny thing is that I am tear stricken while blogging this...there was his one sms where he told me that since I acted like this, he should've never told me in the first place.

I love him, that it really hurts me up inside.  I know I do...

I'm not good looking, nor physically endearing...i don't have any good points...that's I think, what makes me this sick.  Sick of inferiority.  I love him too much that I didn't dare ask him about that guy again.  I guess I'll just let it be...whether he entertains that guys' messages or not.

This is what I was afraid of.  That I'll be soaked in knee deep to love, that little things would just start to hurt.

I mean, I really love him, but it hurts... :( ... just now, I was looking at him and he just...

When you're both in love, you're supposed to be happy right? 

Then why am i crying? :(

Fourth Key: Wings of an Angel

I heard this line from a song

"Comparisons are easily done once you've have a taste of perfection..."

...I once agreed on that line...after that first, there's the second...and I really thought everything was hopeless once you've met and experience love with your first and your second...that everyone after that is just...that...

I'm glad I was wrong.

my first girl...

Ran a span of time for 6 years...then broke off, because of the distance between us...especially when we're both tied up to our family.  She was also sick, really sick.  And I couldn't help her, not with the kind of job that I have...I guess when we made decisions to stick to the remaining members of the family, we both unconsciously gave up each other...I tried calling her back after the last time I sent help to her, but there was no reply...

"...is unavailable..."

my first boy...(I guess you have an idea about the kind of person I am)

I don't know if you could call him my first.  It wasn't even a relationship.  I consider all the things that happened were my fault.  He looked up to me like a big brother...and I overstepped my bounds...

"...that my heart is torn just knowing that I'm losing my best friend"

...so many things happened after that, up to a point where I was asking him desperately, if I ever stand a chance for a relationship with him.  And he kindly rejected me.  

It was bad, I think.  How things moved on and I wasn't able to...time passed that whenever we would meet again, he would share to me, things that bother him, about his relationships.  I thought it was alright for me to just listen to him, since I thought he needed someone to just be there for him, to listen.  

It was hard.  Listening to all those things.  I was wondering if he was that insensitive that I could just let things pass like I didn't feel anything for him before, like I wasn't carrying a torch for him.

And there was also that mistake that we did together...despite the fact that there was consent, I hated to think that I violated his partners' right, just because he wanted to get back at his lover who touched someone else.  You could call me I guess, an accomplice.

That torch continued for years, after a few short lived relationships with others.  Until that last time, when I was really sure, really felt that I have moved on...finally...the freedom.

I was ready.

So...moving on...

I first saw this boy (well, technically, he's years younger than me...), saw him at the photos of someone i knew...

Slim kind of guy, friendly from the looks of the pics...and there was an air about him...didn't pay much attention at first...he was younger and quite a distance from where I was.

Years passed...

And I saw him.  He was really friendly with everyone.  He was good looking.  Sexy...funny...kind...music lover...a really likable person...

An occasion...I happened to be where he was.  I was just aimlessly moving about with everyone.  I noticed him a few times, didn't have time to say hi...

"...so I was walking by the well, and there were coins below it, for the fun of things, I dropped one and made once crazy wish...to find the one who I could call mine, whom I could love and will love me back..."

I forgot that wish afterward.

I had an argument with someone that made me do my routines from work to home.  No stop overs, no side tracks to go to.  Kept myself busy that made me just sleep from being too tired.

And then, HE asked for my number...:)

I didn't think that could happen.

Third Key: Love

After years of wishing not to see that man, I blundered and wished to see him again.

How stupid is that?  But I did saw him.  I wasn't sure if it was ok, heck, I was not sure either if I was ok.  But I did. 

I felt things.  My heartbeat went blank I guess.  I could not tell if I was excited or what.  Can't feel my heart beat at all.  I was following with the crowd and he was just ahead.  His hand all over his new girl. 

I was invisible.  To him and everyone else.  So, just like before, I just walked.  Looking at his back and at the path the crowd was taking.  I was thinking what to do if he ever looked back.  But I guess it's impossible.  He has no reason to. 

He was right there, but I could not go near him.  What for?  He never noticed me before and he wouldn't notice me now.  Really a coward.  I just stood in a distance.  Looking down so he would not see me.

I already told him that I loved him.  I already showed him that love.  And he never wanted it.  He could never reciprocate it.  He was painfully kind to me when he said that he could never had that chance with him.  I asked to hear it anyway.  Had to move on.

But I never did.  Funny thing is when you make yourself believe that you have moved on you realize that you're still standing on that same spot.  Aching on the same wound that bled years before.  

I could try moving a foot forward, it's really hard...but I have to.

I have no one to hold on to.  No one to hear the same heart ache.  Scared of sharing the same pain and have the hearer thought I'm still this weak.

No need to hear that though, I already know.

Currently listening to a song...a line somewhere that says...


"..hoping for a miracle, that I could return and remake my decisions..."

Second Key: Attraction

     Dropped a coin to a wishing well yesterday.  I somehow thought it funny for a grown man like me to believe in a wish.  But I did.

     I came back to the resort's pool for a short swim and then I saw this guy.  He was gorgeous, I think.

     And then, for a short second, our eyes met.  And he winked.  I smiled back.

     If it weren't for the fact that I saw another guy walking by the pool and sat in a chair next to his things, I would have tried something so I could talk to him.

     Lover.  And he still had time to flirt with another guy.

     Sigh...

   

First Key: Envy

     I noticed last month, (forgot if it was before or after Christmas) I did not expect to see that one gift I gave to a friend of mine being given to another person.

     Just a gift I think.  Every time I think of the things my friend gave me...a handkerchief, an anime card, and a crisp one dollar bill is still in my possession (well, except for the card).

      For something, I never used the hanky, it was too white and I did not want it to be dirtied or whatever...the anime card was lost, thanks to my carelessness and the individual who was able to get hold of my wallet and a month's salary (sigh)...the dollar bill is in my wallet.

      I don't know about how people treat the things that were given to them...guess it depends...but when I saw that gift of mine, being given to someone else, I just felt confused and I was wondering why...of all the things that person has to give away, why that gift?

      If, I don't know...I also saw my friend gave a cap to that person.

      I could care less...I thought I would...but there is something that bothers me...I'm thinking of these things and I am not sure if I am really a friend to that person...