Fifth Key: Pain

052812/10:30p.m.

Right now, I am thinking that last night...while I was confiding in him that I was really disappointed how things went in the house where I was living.  And while that was happening, he seemed to befriended over the net another guy.  He added that this guy loves him already. 

I know he loves me, and I really am in love with him.  But when he told me about the other guy, I got really scared. 

Scared that he might leave me someday, I dunno.  Stupid thought. 

I was crying.  Damn I was crying.  I wanted to tell him that even though he told me about that guy, what he did really hurt me.  I was too jealous.  I felt jealous and stupid. 

Self pity? Yeah.  And now disgusted.  Is really normal to feel this?  I don't know what to do...

I wanted to tell him that since we're a couple, he shouldn't entertain other guys.  But if I do that, he might think that I am being too strict on this relationship. 

The next day, after a couple of sms, I thought we were ok.  But right now, every time I look at him, it hurts...damn it hurts...funny thing is that I am tear stricken while blogging this...there was his one sms where he told me that since I acted like this, he should've never told me in the first place.

I love him, that it really hurts me up inside.  I know I do...

I'm not good looking, nor physically endearing...i don't have any good points...that's I think, what makes me this sick.  Sick of inferiority.  I love him too much that I didn't dare ask him about that guy again.  I guess I'll just let it be...whether he entertains that guys' messages or not.

This is what I was afraid of.  That I'll be soaked in knee deep to love, that little things would just start to hurt.

I mean, I really love him, but it hurts... :( ... just now, I was looking at him and he just...

When you're both in love, you're supposed to be happy right? 

Then why am i crying? :(

Fourth Key: Wings of an Angel

I heard this line from a song

"Comparisons are easily done once you've have a taste of perfection..."

...I once agreed on that line...after that first, there's the second...and I really thought everything was hopeless once you've met and experience love with your first and your second...that everyone after that is just...that...

I'm glad I was wrong.

my first girl...

Ran a span of time for 6 years...then broke off, because of the distance between us...especially when we're both tied up to our family.  She was also sick, really sick.  And I couldn't help her, not with the kind of job that I have...I guess when we made decisions to stick to the remaining members of the family, we both unconsciously gave up each other...I tried calling her back after the last time I sent help to her, but there was no reply...

"...is unavailable..."

my first boy...(I guess you have an idea about the kind of person I am)

I don't know if you could call him my first.  It wasn't even a relationship.  I consider all the things that happened were my fault.  He looked up to me like a big brother...and I overstepped my bounds...

"...that my heart is torn just knowing that I'm losing my best friend"

...so many things happened after that, up to a point where I was asking him desperately, if I ever stand a chance for a relationship with him.  And he kindly rejected me.  

It was bad, I think.  How things moved on and I wasn't able to...time passed that whenever we would meet again, he would share to me, things that bother him, about his relationships.  I thought it was alright for me to just listen to him, since I thought he needed someone to just be there for him, to listen.  

It was hard.  Listening to all those things.  I was wondering if he was that insensitive that I could just let things pass like I didn't feel anything for him before, like I wasn't carrying a torch for him.

And there was also that mistake that we did together...despite the fact that there was consent, I hated to think that I violated his partners' right, just because he wanted to get back at his lover who touched someone else.  You could call me I guess, an accomplice.

That torch continued for years, after a few short lived relationships with others.  Until that last time, when I was really sure, really felt that I have moved on...finally...the freedom.

I was ready.

So...moving on...

I first saw this boy (well, technically, he's years younger than me...), saw him at the photos of someone i knew...

Slim kind of guy, friendly from the looks of the pics...and there was an air about him...didn't pay much attention at first...he was younger and quite a distance from where I was.

Years passed...

And I saw him.  He was really friendly with everyone.  He was good looking.  Sexy...funny...kind...music lover...a really likable person...

An occasion...I happened to be where he was.  I was just aimlessly moving about with everyone.  I noticed him a few times, didn't have time to say hi...

"...so I was walking by the well, and there were coins below it, for the fun of things, I dropped one and made once crazy wish...to find the one who I could call mine, whom I could love and will love me back..."

I forgot that wish afterward.

I had an argument with someone that made me do my routines from work to home.  No stop overs, no side tracks to go to.  Kept myself busy that made me just sleep from being too tired.

And then, HE asked for my number...:)

I didn't think that could happen.