Third Key: Love

After years of wishing not to see that man, I blundered and wished to see him again.

How stupid is that?  But I did saw him.  I wasn't sure if it was ok, heck, I was not sure either if I was ok.  But I did. 

I felt things.  My heartbeat went blank I guess.  I could not tell if I was excited or what.  Can't feel my heart beat at all.  I was following with the crowd and he was just ahead.  His hand all over his new girl. 

I was invisible.  To him and everyone else.  So, just like before, I just walked.  Looking at his back and at the path the crowd was taking.  I was thinking what to do if he ever looked back.  But I guess it's impossible.  He has no reason to. 

He was right there, but I could not go near him.  What for?  He never noticed me before and he wouldn't notice me now.  Really a coward.  I just stood in a distance.  Looking down so he would not see me.

I already told him that I loved him.  I already showed him that love.  And he never wanted it.  He could never reciprocate it.  He was painfully kind to me when he said that he could never had that chance with him.  I asked to hear it anyway.  Had to move on.

But I never did.  Funny thing is when you make yourself believe that you have moved on you realize that you're still standing on that same spot.  Aching on the same wound that bled years before.  

I could try moving a foot forward, it's really hard...but I have to.

I have no one to hold on to.  No one to hear the same heart ache.  Scared of sharing the same pain and have the hearer thought I'm still this weak.

No need to hear that though, I already know.

Currently listening to a song...a line somewhere that says...


"..hoping for a miracle, that I could return and remake my decisions..."

Second Key: Attraction

     Dropped a coin to a wishing well yesterday.  I somehow thought it funny for a grown man like me to believe in a wish.  But I did.

     I came back to the resort's pool for a short swim and then I saw this guy.  He was gorgeous, I think.

     And then, for a short second, our eyes met.  And he winked.  I smiled back.

     If it weren't for the fact that I saw another guy walking by the pool and sat in a chair next to his things, I would have tried something so I could talk to him.

     Lover.  And he still had time to flirt with another guy.

     Sigh...